Monday, September 21, 2009

note to self

it's okay to feel this way:

you know, some days I feel down right cheated. not having him here. like a gaping hole has been dug deep in my chest and it can't be filled. the hole only hurts when i think about it. i try not to think about it. only on days like september 19 and november 13, and sporadically during the holidays. days when it would seem only appropriate, if not expected, to expose it--my gaping hole. even still, i try to do so on my own.

why does it feel this way? the sting gets more acute, deeper, the older i--and he--get. it, at times, overwhelms me. it pleases me to muse that with age, i possibly gain maturity. thus the brevity of a loss happening 12 years ago rings clearer to me now. more than it ever could at age 15. or at the very least differently: what would his wife have been like? his children? the hypotheticals dig it deeper. except when i think my son is a reincarnated him. i didn't know him then--at age 4. i've only heard stories. heaven help me if i am the mother to raise that reincarnated spirit. maybe that's part of it. the whole hole part. the filling it part, specifically.

**i don't know where she went. the witty me. sunnier skies perhaps...

14 comments:

richard dandelion said...

I don't think he could have asked for a tenderer tribute. And beautiful to boot. Which might be all we have—beauty, I mean—since you're right that it doesn't ever get easier.

Shawnie said...

I really wish you could have had your brother around for a lot longer. He was as great as the rest of you Gedicks kids.

Sarah Phipps said...

I often have those same thoughts when I think about my younger brother who died almost 7 years ago. As I see his friends go on missions, I wonder where he would have gone, I wonder what he would have looked like and how he would have treated my kids...he loved kids. When it gets really bad I go to the temple and hang out in the celestial room after a session and feel a lot closer to him. Dont fill that gaping hole, that hole make you who you are and makes you the person you are today.

Charlotte McIntier said...

Wish it would have been my opportunity to have know your brother. Anniversaries are tender times and your heart felt expressions were beautifully done!

Manda said...

I think the hypotheticals are what get me too. And yes, I agree. I feel it more and much deeper now than I ever did at age 10. In a strange way its a good kind of hurt...something to look forward to :)

Nicea said...

Absolutely beautiful, Abby. It's interesting (and helpful) to me that we seem to be able to express now the feelings that just wouldn't (or couldn't or didn't know how to) come out at the time Alex died. I'll be honest, it's harder for me now to feel the strength and warmth and assurances I felt back then. I have to really work for them now.

Manda: Yes, something to look forward to.

annie said...

me too, ab. i keep thinking the sting'll go away, but really it just changes shape. it amazes me that it was almost 12 years ago. it still feels like last year sometimes.

beautiful post, sis.

Lauren said...

Wait...I didn't know you had a brother that died 12 years ago? Mine died 7 years ago in December. Wow something I never knew we unfortunately had in common. That's a big one we shoulda known about each other wouldn't ya say? Well dear let's just say I know your kinda of pain!

Sherry Carpet said...

nothing like tears in the morning. i blame hayfever. and you.

this was very, very sweet.

Princess Consuela and Banana Hammock said...

Its crazy how I feel like I knew Alex a little, the way my mom talked about him and your family. I have pictures of him when he was younger. I loved your post and now I'm all teary eyed. Miss you!
-Nanny Glenn

Laney said...

I liked that little tribute. It made me cry. I think it's healthy to feel that way- its good, and natural. It means that you love him and miss him. Sadly, it will probably always hurt, sometimes more than others, but thats okay. I wish he was still around too, even though I never knew him. I bet he was really cool- how could he not be with a mom like Nicea- and you as a sister.

Jenny and everyone else said...

Abs. We have a problemo.
Your last 2 blog posts have made me cry. Not even tear up a little -- FULL ON CRY!! :(

I miss you guys every day, and I hope you are all doing well.

Great posting.
Love you.

Annie said...

You are an incredible writer...wow. Love reading your posts, it inspires me. Luv you Abster

Sherwoods said...

Well said. I cannot believe it has been 12 years since Alex died. It seems so long ago, but I still remember when my mom told me. You put it very well and I understand your hole much better...now that I have one of my own that I think about every day.